February 8, 2010

Posted by: Maxi

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Production values

Now, this will come as a complete shock to none of you, but I once had a stint selling porn.  I’d buy DVD’s in bulk from the internet and sell through small ads in the local ads paper.  Buying in bulk from the internet means that from time to time not all your DVD’s will be what you want.  Among your copies of “All Anal Asians” and “Munting Midgets” will be the odd copy of a classic American sitcom.

Quite a novel way to make some pocket money.  That’s all it was really, pocket money.

Now you’d think that when you go about a venture such as selling hardcore pornography through the small ads that you’d be ready for the types of calls you’d get enquiring about your wares.

You’d be wrong.

I’m quite a filthy cunt, this is relevant to anyone who’s even glanced on this site can testify to that, but it’s all in the name of good old fashioned childish giggling.  The types of people who buy porn through the small ads however, are creepy.  Proper creepy.

You get people calling you asking what kinds of animal porn you have.  Some will ask you for hermaphrodite porn because that’s apparently very hard to get.  Sometimes you’ll even get a lady caller who will call saying that her heating is off and she needs some warming up from a man.  No shitting, they have all happened.

Some are weird though.

One guy called me from Tallaght in Dublin and asked me to deliver 12, count them, 12 four hour DVD’s.  That’s two days worth of porn.  Far be it for me to judge, I met him in the rear car park of a pub in his Toyota 4×4.  I got into the passenger seat and opened my sports bag containing my selection.

Now, there’s not much of a sales pitch you have to give when selling porn.  You pretty much just put it out there and let their fingers to the walking.

So we’re sitting there in his jeep looking over my bag of smut and he’s himming and hawing over what to have.  The conversation goes a little like this:

“Is that Asian?”

“Yup”

“You have one with lesbians in?”

“Yup”

“Asians that are lesbians?”

“Yup”

“Are the stories any good?”

“The what?”

“The stories”

“Um, I dunno”

“I like the stories”

“Nobody has ever asked me that before”

“Yeah, I like the stories”

“Well I’m sure they’re fine, I haven’t watched them all”

“I just like to put them on when the lads are over playing cards and we can laugh at the stories”

“That’s what you do when you watch porn?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just that most people…”

“Oh, yeah I know but the stories are gas.  I watch them for the job intended though too.”

“Right, well I doubt there’s much story to any of them really.  They’re mostly just compilations from popular movies over the years.  They just cut straight to the action.”

“I do love the stories, the lads are coming over tonight”

“Tell you what, take three Asian lesbian DVD’s off me and I’ll throw in a free Boxset of Cheers.”

“Done”

“And done”

February 4, 2010

Posted by: Maxi

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Poor Marley

Was driving to Navan the other day.  Took a road a little less travelled and just as I was coming into Trim, the road became a little uneven and narrow and bendy.

So of course you take caution, well I did as I didn’t know the road all that well.  But then came a straight, of about a half mile or so.  So pick up a little bit of speed and trundle on.

Then out of nowhere a full of beans little Labrador puppy comes bounding out of a concealed entrance and WHACK!

FUCK!

BRAKES

SKID

SCREECH

STOP

SQUEAL

I got out of the car, and instead of checking to see what kind of damage was done to my vintage Nissan bumper, I ran back to where the dog was.  It was of course now surrounded by three young kids who had all witnessed me slaughter their beloved pet.

I knew it was dead, but the kids weren’t so sure.  They kept saying things like:

“Wake him up”

“Daddy, get Daddy, he’ll wake Marley up”

“He must be ok, his front leg is twitching”

I didn’t think it was an appropriate time to mention that it’s other front leg was hanging from my wheel arch.

I kind of stood there in quiet shock for a minute, until the Father came running from the house.  Then I snapped out of it.

“I’m so sorry, it just ran out in front of me.  I didn’t have enough time to react, I couldn’t swerve, the road is too narrow”

“Right”

“Look, I’ll take care of this.  I’ll get the kids a new dog, pay for everything.  I feel terrible.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s not like you aimed for the dog.  These things happen, the kids will get over it”

“Yeah, but”

“Seriously, check your car.  If there’s any damage come back to me”

Slightly taken aback I went to my car and saw no damage to complain about.  I casually pried the leg from the wheel and ditched it.  While I was at the car, I could hear everything that the kids were saying:

“Quick Daddy, we have to bring him to the vet”

“It won’t do any good, sweetheart, Marley is dead”

“But Daddy”

“No buts, this is what happens when you get him all excited and chase him around the garden with the gate open.  What have I told you?”

“Maybe the vet can help him”

“A vet?  On a Sunday?  I’m not forking out for that.  Besides at this stage it’s not a vet you need it’s a witch doctor.  You’ve a dead dog missing a leg.”

“Missing a…….?  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH”

And that was my queue to exit.

They say all dogs go to heaven.  I reckon that one was heading straight for the septic tank.

February 3, 2010

Posted by: Maxi

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February 1, 2010

Posted by: Maxi

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No more cheese before bedtime

I had a dream last night.

Things seemed a little blurry, but most dreams are so I didn’t take much notice.  Then I noticed that I seemed to be floating, but people have dreams about flying all the time, so I just kind of enjoyed the sensation.

Then I noticed I was a goldfish.  I had orangey coloured scales and big bulgy eyes.  There were little pebbles that served no real function underneath me, food that tasted like crap.  But then again it could have literally been my crap as bits of that were floating around too.  I’d swim around and find myself back at the same little plastic castle I was at seconds before.

Then I noticed I was a goldfish.  I had orangey coloured scales and big bulgy eyes.  There were little pebbles that served no real function underneath me, food that tasted like crap.  But then again it could have literally been my crap as bits of that were floating around too.  I’d swim around and find myself back at the same little plastic castle I was at seconds before.

Then I noticed I was a goldfish.  I had orangey coloured scales and big bulgy eyes.  There were little pebbles that served no real function underneath me, food that tasted like crap.  But then again it could have literally been my crap as bits of that were floating around too.  I’d swim around and find myself back at the same little plastic castle I was at seconds before.

Then I realized that I wasn’t in fact a goldfish with a seven second memory and got a grip on myself.

The one thing that really confused me?

Here I was, a goldfish in a tank and I couldn’t remember ever joining the army.

Maybe my memory is shite after all.

January 29, 2010

Posted by: Maxi

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Evolution

There is a sea snail in the waters around Australia that has enough venom in its body to kill 15,000 people. Or one Madonna, cunt.

Daddy long legs have the worlds’ most poisonous venom, but no teeth or fangs to bite or administer the venom, so it’s like having a chocolate teapot.

There is a fish that has blades on its spine that are sharper than the finest engineered surgical scalpel, and there laced with, you guessed it, deadly poison.

I didn’t join a library and ingest useless information today I watched a doozy of a nature program.

Basically all the strange creatures of the world had to evolve to survive in their surroundings and the features I mentioned above are just a minute selection of what some of them have come up with to stop themselves becoming someone else’s dinner. This got me thinking, what would I evolve if I had the choice.

Yes, evolution takes millions of years, blah blah blah. But think about it. If you went to your next meeting in work and the conversation went a little like this, what would you do?:

“Good morning, everyone. It’s finally happened. We all worked hard to achieve our goal and there were times when we thought we may have to call it a day and shut the business down. But the hard work and negotiation skills of Bob and his team over at section G have secured us a contract that will not only keep us busy for the rest of our lives, but give whole new generations the opportunities that we never thought we would see in our life time.”

“You mean?”

“That’s right. We have secured the contract to over see all evolution for every species on the planet, both discovered and undiscovered. God signed the contract this morning.”

Applause and cheers from all but one.

“Hang on.”

“Yes Dave?”

“You mean that God – the one that many believe to be the creator of everything we see before us has reduced the phenomenon of evolution to a task that can be outsourced?”

“You got it, and over some stiff competition we won the contract.”

“Who was the competition?”

“Tom Cruise.”

“Tom Cruise?”

“Yeah, you know – Mission Impossible, Top Gun, Rain Man.”

“I know who Tom Cruise is, what would he want with evolution?”

“He was just acting as an agent for Scientology.”

“Right.”

“Yeah, it was touch and go for a while, but we persevered and won the contract.”

“I’m confused. We’re a logistics and transport company, what do we know about evolution?”

“Times are tough, Dave. We need to diversify if we’re to survive the impending recession. Besides ever since we lost the Pespi contract we have an empty warehouse to fill and it just so happens to be the correct size for an evolution lab.”

“None of this makes any sense. How did we, a logistics company, even find out that there was a contract for evolution up for tender?”

“Ebay.”

“What?”

“Yep, Bob was scrolling through trying to unload a container of Pepsi and he came across it.”

“God uses Ebay?”

“Every body does. He’s got a really good feedback rating.”

“Good for him.”

“And us. You see Dave, it’s opportunities like this that take companies on to be world leaders. We seized that opportunity.”

“I need to give my months notice.”

“Think about this Dave, you have the chance to mold the world here.”

“Make it two weeks.”

“Take two weeks to think about it, and let us know if you change your mind. If you still have one.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Right, I’m going back to my office.”

“Bye Dave. Wow, that was awkward. Anyway, lets press on. We need to make a list of the things we will make immediate changes on. So lets brain storm it. First of all, one of the conditions of the contract is that we make the changes that God was about to but never got around to. They are:

  • All women to receive a third breast.
  • In conjunction, all men will receive a third hand.
  • All men with bodies like Brad Pitt and charm like George Clooney will automatically become disgusting to all women, who will instead favour balding, overweight dead beats with no prospects.
  • Bono will have no back bone leaving him free to actually crawl up his own arse where he so obviously wants to remain forever.
  • Fix Michael Jackson. That’s gonna be a team effort, people.
  • Unless someone can come up with a use for the clitoris, it will be discontinued.
  • The same will apply to feelings.

After that it’s pretty much up to us what we do. So lets open up the floor to suggestions before we break for lunch. Any ideas?”

“Me?”

“Yes Brian.”

“I’d like to suggest mind reading abilities.”

“Nice, we’re ahead of you on that one. Bob is looking into the legalities. Anyone else? Karl?”

“Yeah, I’d like to see invisible people.”

“Now, do you mean you want people to have the power to be invisible or you want the power to see people when they’re invisible?”

“Er, both?”

“Nice, although it might negate the need to be invisible if people have the power to see invisible people.”

“Right.”

“We’ll look into it. Anyone else? No? Ok, we’ll break for lunch and we can draw up some more ideas then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes Carol, what is it?”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Make it quick, we want lunch.”

“Well it’s just because all of the previous suggestions have no real moral bearing and the first two suggestions on the list are extremely sexist towards women. Why not balance things out a bit and evolve a part on men that women might want to see made bigger.”

“Egos?”

“No.”

“Brains?”

“No.”

“Cocks?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I mean yes, your cocks.”

“Carol, I think God got it pretty much on the button by giving men in power such as ourselves the perfect penis size of 4 inches. Am I right fellas?”

“YEAH!!”

“I mean we’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, we just want to make it rounder and wheelier.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Look, you go and arrange a lunch reservation for us and we’ll meet you there.”

“Whatever, I quit too.”

“Alright Carol, if that’s what you want.

She gone?

Alright change of agenda, we gotta make women with smaller vagina’s, or expectations.”

“Both?”

“That’s the kind of thinking I can get behind Bob, lets do lunch and get straight back to this later. Penises bigger than 4 inches. Ha! That’s not evolution, that’s witchcraft. And we’re never winning that contract back from Madonna.”

It could happen, and if it could what would you want to change in evolution?

With great power comes great responsibility, or the chance to fuck around. I forget which.

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