Met up with a mate today for some good old fashioned doing nothing.

We went for lunch then decided to go bowling.

We rented a lane for €16, after they had tried to get €44 out of us for an hour of bowling?  The last time I was charged that much to put my fingers into over used and sticky holes… … well you know where I’m going with that one.

Then a coach load of kids loaded into the place on a private booking and they surrounded us.  Why put them right beside us when the fucking place was empty.

Funny thing about parents is that they seem impervious to my rolled eyes and tuts and general moodiness when their little shite buckets get giddy.  Maybe I should work on my public distaste.

So, we finished our game and went for Q-zar but low and behold it was booked out with the kids party.

Who the fuck do they think they are?

Right so after an hour of air hockey, pool, racing arcade games and video poker we decided that we wanted a go on the bumper cars.  The kids were no where to be seen so we kicked up a tantrum that the little ADD fuckers would be proud of and they opened up the cars for us.

But,

They did so along with announcing over the tannoy so that others could enjoy it too.  This of course meant that the kids would be allowed in.

I hate kids.

I hate ginger kids.

I hate things that come in threes.

Three ginger kids sauntered into the ride and took a car each, that was it in my eyes.

I bashed and bumped those little cunts until they had the motor skills of a bobble head doll.  I called them names that they’ll either have to ask about or wikipedia.  And I got to wikipedia before they did so when they perform a search for “test tube scum”, “God’s creative left over” and “Cocksuckinglittlemotherfuckingtossingsoulessgingerwank” they should see pictures of themselves being rammed into the center island of the bumper car ring.

I made one cry.

I am a man.

The Gardaí even said so.

I’ve just hit the 100,000 mark.

Over 100,000 people have visited this here haven of filthery.  Granted most have gone running in the other direction soon after, but this is a milestone number.

Just like yer ma notching up stamps on her loyalty card at the clap clinic there is a sort of pride and responsibility that comes with such a readership.

So I vow to continue with the filth until the next 100,000.  I have tons of filth and mank stored up just waiting to erupt from a festering puss filled herpes sore close to popping all over the crusty crotch of the interwebby.

I don’t know where to start:

*My fantasy for a midget orgy

*My intention to perfect a mind control device and take it to the next feminist lesbian march that takes place

*My plans for a journey to where no men have truly gone before – the stinking depths of Mary Harney’s minge. (For research purposes)

Where ever this wonderful journey takes me I hope you’ll be with me all the way.

And I have become aware that I am not being viewed in working hours because of the content, but you can still read the smutty goodness as I have a panic button over on the right that you can push at any time and it will being you to a site that will show the boss what a great little worker bee you really are.

So for those of you unaware of it, give it a go.  Trust me.

Here’s to the next 100,000.

I had always wanted to take part in an orgy or a threesome, or at least witness one taking place.

I never knew how to go about it.  Sure I could spend months trawling the pages of forums and boards but instead I chose the lazy option and gave up.

I was working in a hotel a few years back and the night manager was a filth monger, like me only unreserved.

He was constantly being caught in guests rooms having shafted the wives of powerful business men and their daughters in the room next door and I always wondered how he did it.

He told me that he just put it straight up to the women that he’d like to fuck them and most of them would either take it as a compliment or go through with it, which must have been true because we never got complaints about him.

Any way, one morning I came into work and just like always he wasn’t at the front desk so I waited for him to come back before being told of a woman who was staying in the hotel for a week after winning a radio competition.  Turns out she was a bored housewife who was neglected by her husband and she was using the week as time away to reflect and fuck any younger man that wanted her.

Cue our night manager.

He told me tales of how filthy she was, the things she’d do and the demands she made.  He told me that if it wasn’t for the age difference he would have tied this one down for good, and coming from him that meant something.

Anyway, before I lose you I’ll get to it.

We were out for a pint and he was telling me of what they had been up to, I got pissed off and confessed that I wanted to do shit like that and without hesitation he suggested that I come along with him next time.

“Yeah, she’s always hinting at having another man in there.”

“I dunno man, that might be weird”

“Fuck it, if you do this, she’ll let me bring another chick in.  Whadya say?”

“I suppose I could give it a go.”

He was giddier than a kid on Christmas and called her to arrange it, but she would only agree if she never laid eyes on the new guy and he left as soon as he was finished.

Suited me.

So it was set up for the following night.  The plan was that she was to be on all fours gobbling him and I was to come in from behind, get off and then get off.

Outside his bedroom door I don’t mind admitting I was nervous as I stepped inside to witness exactly what had been arranged.  This was the horniest thing I had ever seen and I crawled up on the bed and readied myself behind her before relishing in the first moments of contact.

She was moaning under me and whether or not it was genuine it spurred me on.  I don’t know if he ever looked in my direction because I never took my eyes off of what I was up to.

I was so excited that I finished quicker than I care to admit but it was worth it.  She was still shaking from what I figure must have been a real orgasm as she took off her blindfold and turned to see the man who had divided and conquered her so triumphantly.

The blood rushed from my head and I felt the devil himself laughing in the corner as she looked at me in utter shock and disgust.

Now matter how much I hoped, wished or prayed for it not to be true.  It was:

“Ma?”

Blank page giving birth to the creative mind

The words “new post” taunt me, pix-elated they mock

“Type type type” the words bellow from my screen

My fingers become the placenta for inspiration

I search

I struggle

Internally at first then oozing into my room

My smoke filled room, chokes my smoke filled conscious

Cigarettes hold me no longer, yet the smell reminds me

The smell surrounds me

A loud ringing emits from the ceiling of my mind

I wave my teatowel of clarity and the ringing stops

In the womb of my kitchen I feel safe but not distant

Not distant at all

My toast has burned

Not the toast of thought or muse but my actual toast

Fuck it.

This is the longer uncut version of the intro video for the best pop culture award at the Blog Awards on Saturday.

The lawyers of K8 and Grandad have been on to me.

I better be more careful next time.

.

Tipped hat to Darragh, Darren, Lottie, Niamh and everyone involved in putting the videos together, and of course congrats to all the winners on Saturday.