There is a sea snail in the waters around Australia that has enough venom in its body to kill 15,000 people. Or one Madonna, cunt.

Daddy long legs have the worlds’ most poisonous venom, but no teeth or fangs to bite or administer the venom, so it’s like having a chocolate teapot.

There is a fish that has blades on its spine that are sharper than the finest engineered surgical scalpel, and there laced with, you guessed it, deadly poison.

I didn’t join a library and ingest useless information today I watched a doozy of a nature program.

Basically all the strange creatures of the world had to evolve to survive in their surroundings and the features I mentioned above are just a minute selection of what some of them have come up with to stop themselves becoming someone else’s dinner. This got me thinking, what would I evolve if I had the choice.

Yes, evolution takes millions of years, blah blah blah. But think about it. If you went to your next meeting in work and the conversation went a little like this, what would you do?:

“Good morning, everyone. It’s finally happened. We all worked hard to achieve our goal and there were times when we thought we may have to call it a day and shut the business down. But the hard work and negotiation skills of Bob and his team over at section G have secured us a contract that will not only keep us busy for the rest of our lives, but give whole new generations the opportunities that we never thought we would see in our life time.”

“You mean?”

“That’s right. We have secured the contract to over see all evolution for every species on the planet, both discovered and undiscovered. God signed the contract this morning.”

Applause and cheers from all but one.

“Hang on.”

“Yes Dave?”

“You mean that God – the one that many believe to be the creator of everything we see before us has reduced the phenomenon of evolution to a task that can be outsourced?”

“You got it, and over some stiff competition we won the contract.”

“Who was the competition?”

“Tom Cruise.”

“Tom Cruise?”

“Yeah, you know – Mission Impossible, Top Gun, Rain Man.”

“I know who Tom Cruise is, what would he want with evolution?”

“He was just acting as an agent for Scientology.”

“Right.”

“Yeah, it was touch and go for a while, but we persevered and won the contract.”

“I’m confused. We’re a logistics and transport company, what do we know about evolution?”

“Times are tough, Dave. We need to diversify if we’re to survive the impending recession. Besides ever since we lost the Pespi contract we have an empty warehouse to fill and it just so happens to be the correct size for an evolution lab.”

“None of this makes any sense. How did we, a logistics company, even find out that there was a contract for evolution up for tender?”

“Ebay.”

“What?”

“Yep, Bob was scrolling through trying to unload a container of Pepsi and he came across it.”

“God uses Ebay?”

“Every body does. He’s got a really good feedback rating.”

“Good for him.”

“And us. You see Dave, it’s opportunities like this that take companies on to be world leaders. We seized that opportunity.”

“I need to give my months notice.”

“Think about this Dave, you have the chance to mold the world here.”

“Make it two weeks.”

“Take two weeks to think about it, and let us know if you change your mind. If you still have one.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Right, I’m going back to my office.”

“Bye Dave. Wow, that was awkward. Anyway, lets press on. We need to make a list of the things we will make immediate changes on. So lets brain storm it. First of all, one of the conditions of the contract is that we make the changes that God was about to but never got around to. They are:

• All women to receive a third breast.
• In conjunction, all men will receive a third hand.
• All men with bodies like Brad Pitt and charm like George Clooney will automatically become disgusting to all women, who will instead favour balding, overweight dead beats with no prospects.
• Bono will have no back bone leaving him free to actually crawl up his own arse where he so obviously wants to remain forever.
• Fix Michael Jackson. That’s gonna be a team effort, people.
• Unless someone can come up with a use for the clitoris, it will be discontinued.
• The same will apply to feelings.

After that it’s pretty much up to us what we do. So lets open up the floor to suggestions before we break for lunch. Any ideas?”

“Me?”

“Yes Brian.”

“I’d like to suggest mind reading abilities.”

“Nice, we’re ahead of you on that one. Bob is looking into the legalities. Anyone else? Karl?”

“Yeah, I’d like to see invisible people.”

“Now, do you mean you want people to have the power to be invisible or you want the power to see people when they’re invisible?”

“Er, both?”

“Nice, although it might negate the need to be invisible if people have the power to see invisible people.”

“Right.”

“We’ll look into it. Anyone else? No? Ok, we’ll break for lunch and we can draw up some more ideas then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes Carol, what is it?”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Make it quick, we want lunch.”

“Well it’s just because all of the previous suggestions have no real moral bearing and the first two suggestions on the list are extremely sexist towards women. Why not balance things out a bit and evolve a part on men that women might want to see made bigger.”

“Egos?”

“No.”

“Brains?”

“No.”

“Cocks?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I mean yes, your cocks.”

“Carol, I think God got it pretty much on the button by giving men in power such as ourselves the perfect penis size of 4 inches. Am I right fellas?”

“YEAH!!”

“I mean we’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, we just want to make it rounder and wheelier.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Look, you go and arrange a lunch reservation for us and we’ll meet you there.”

“Whatever, I quit too.”

“Alright Carol, if that’s what you want.

She gone?

Alright change of agenda, we gotta make women with smaller vagina’s, or expectations.”

“Both?”

“That’s the kind of thinking I can get behind Bob, lets do lunch and get straight back to this later. Penises bigger than 4 inches. Ha! That’s not evolution, that’s witchcraft. And we’re never winning that contract back from Madonna.”

It could happen, and if it could what would you want to change in evolution?

With great power comes great responsibility, or the chance to fuck around. I forget which.

Ah Scarlett.

You make me feel funny in my winky.

I want to wear your arse on my pinky.

I wanna see you naked and do stuff to your junk,

Then soak you down in my creamy white spunk.

I’ll give you a tongue lashing that will cause an orgasmic twinge,

With your legs around my neck as I munch on your minge.

My winky is so hard that the swollen head glows,

As I stick a finger in my ass and suck on your toes.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you,

I’d even make a toasted sandwich out of your poo.

So leave that guy you’re with, he’s an awful sap,

I’ll give you everything you could ever want, except for a scorching dose of the clap.

Yes, you’ll notice that I’m whoring out space in the sidebar to a new Irish website.

Boob.ie

For men, and boobs.

Nuff said, check it out.

“Well, what can I do for you today?”

“I lost a filling, the pain is excruciating.  To make matters worse, I have a shooting pain coming from a wisdom tooth.”

“Let’s take a look then”

“Yeah, but before you do, if you tell me that the wisdom tooth has to come out, I won’t be able to handle that kind of news”

“Let’s take a look before we start to panic, sit back in the chair and open wide.”

“Fair enough”

“So, when were you last at the dentist?”

“hoo ears aho”

“Right, well the filling is missing alright, so we can sort that out for you today, no problem”

“hank ooo”

“No worries, as for the wisdom tooth, there is a hole there but it’s not big enough to be causing you pain.  The pain is coming from the same nerve as the actual tooth that’s causing you pain.  The brain just can’t differentiate between the too.”

“Hah?”

“The wisdom tooth is fine, we’ll stick a filling in that in a couple of weeks, no hurry.”

“Ohay ho ah oo oing oo oo hhe hhilling gnow?”

“Yeah, won’t take long, it’s not as bad as you thought it was going to be.  You’ll be out of here in 15 minutes”

“weeeet”

So he went about numbing my tooth and making pleasantries, and that’s when the nurse came in.  She took one look at me and stopped in her tracks.

I don’t blame her, for the sight before her of a completely unshaven mess slumped in the dentist’s chair is enough to make any hot blooded woman moist.

As the anesthetic took hold of me and I found myself with the dribbling capabilities of a new born with a stroke, I could see her knees get weak.

Suddenly the antics of the well spoken dentist putting the nervous patient at ease were not the most important thing on my mind.  This sexy nurse snapping those latex gloves on and winking at me as she eased her nurses trousers down.  With only her little white coat/jacket/blouse nurse thing on she bent sexily over and showed me her winking eye.

She proceeded to pleasure me while the dentist replaced the lost filling and even though I wasn’t quite numb enough, I couldn’t have cared less as the nurse crawled off of me and took my load of tartar control on her chin.

Then she got one of the vibrating things out of a drawer and finished herself off.

When the dentist was eventually finished, he told me to rinse and spit and my little nurse just gave me a coy smile.  Then she wiped herself down and made me an appointment for my next oral examination.

I’m nearly sure that happened.

I have a new filling and the pain is gone, so the rest must have happened.

I love anesthetic.

Apologies for the lack of activity here over the last while.  Between the laptop going off for repairs and the fact that I have just finished 7 straight days of the pantomime, I haven’t had much time to do anything else.

But I’m back now.

Panto is great, I’ve never claimed to be a pro actor, this is just a hobby for me.  Once a year I get to dress up, act the eejit and hopefully make people smile.

The great thing is that no matter how much fun the audience has watching it, it’s nothing compared to the fun the performers have off and back stage.  Sure we have fun on stage, but we’ve rehearsed it so many times that the jokes aren’t funny to us anymore.  The costumes and the make up are just uniform and even if we mess our lines, it can just seem to be part of the show.

Back stage we’re always plotting against each other to make our chosen victim laugh on stage, mess their lines or forget what to do.

Off stage and away from the theatre, we critique the show in the pub over a well earned drink.  We laugh about others’ mistakes, kick ourselves for the ones we made and congratulate each other for a job well done overall.

Then when the mood takes we go out to properly party, this is where all the real dirt is dished.

Now, I know my panto colleagues fairly well, but nothing sheds light on a person like spending a full week with them.  Acting, dancing and singing, then getting shit faced is a great way to find out what a person is like, and sometimes it shocks even me.

Here’s what I learned -

*     A certain member of the chorus, who we’ve known since she was knee high to us all (She’s 21 now, but still)  likes to get rimmed, and rim others.  There was also a hint of girl love, but that is as yet unconfirmed.

*     Another certain (but different) member of the chorus does a magnificent disappearing jug trick.  Bear in mind what site you’re reading this on and come to your own conclusion to what that is.  If you’re still a little slow, I’ll give you a mental image.  Her clunge can swallow up a water jug like a pelican swallowing a fish.  Gulp.

*     The stage manager loves it when a man dressed up as a woman gyrates against him.  He giggles like a giddy preteen  boyband fan with tingly unknown feelings.

*     The female lead was shocked to find out that a male principal was 18 and not 21 as she believed.  We reckon they did something that she feels a little dirty about now.  But she got hers, so it’s all good.

Ya gotta love panto.