Click on her name for more pics

It’s been a while since I’ve done a wank of the week, or anything else here, for reasons you already know.  This magnificent choice comes in from Morgor.  You read my mind.

I remember way back when Milla was a reporter/fashion correspondent.  She was a model as far as I know.  Didn’t matter what she did for a living, because what she did for me was help me discover my manly duties.  Wanking being the one I spent the most time perfecting.  Still do.

There she is in all her lovliness.  Look at those patent red boots and her sideboob.  You know why I love patent red boots?  Because they’re shiny and slutty looking and they wipe clean.  You know why I love sideboob?  Because they give the world reason to make wipe clean patent red boots.  I like to unload all over them, in other words.

Jesus she looks like she’d eat you up in between killing zombies.  That’s fine with me.  Once I’d done a bit of munching on her I’d die happy having a gross puss oozing brain eating zombie nosh my knob off.  That might be quite kinky actually.  All the while our Milla here would be dipping her fingers into those purty white panties and giving herself pruned up fingers.

On a beach with a bikini that opens with just the pull of a couple of tiny bows.  That’s not safe.  A pervy cunt could walk up, flash his massive four incher before yanking those bad boy bows and showing her nips and clunge for all to see.  Or for him to see anyway.  I know what you’re thinking, what are the chances of that happening?  Not likely I’m afraid.  Her agent won’t tell me when she’s likely to be on a beach with a minimum security bikini on.  Typical.

I love Milla, not only is she a wankatronic android from the planet Cumsponge, but because she loves skimpy clothes.  I don’t know if you could call what she’s wearing clothes exactly, but it’s just grand.  She also sports the occasional purse.  You know what’s in that purse?  A mind control ray gun that turns you into her sex slave.  And a retractable 3 foot android detachable cock.  Because sex slaves shouldn’t be the recipient of the pleasure.  But I would because I’m sneaky that way.  “Oh no, mistress overlord Milla, please don’t violate me with your space schlong”. Little would she know.

And here for no other reason than I found a topless picture of Milla, is a topless picture of Milla.  Some would say that it makes her look like a whore.

Personally I think the blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick have that end covered.

Wanktastic.

I’ll have a proper post up soon.

Been busy on Boob.ie and with the paper column, and the first draft of the book that keeps getting finished “tomorrow”.  Plus a super top secret mission.

In the meantime, it’s nice to see that I’ve been nominated for two blog awards.

One for Best Humour Blog.

And one for Best Blog Post.

Thanks to whoever did the nominating, it’s a very pleasant surprise.

Like I said, I’ll have a proper, back to basics filthy post up soon.

Fourth class, 9 years old and our teacher decided we should be thinking about the future instead of painting with our fingers.

“Ok class, yesterday we all learned about the different jobs that your daddies had.  Some daddies are plumbers, some are painters, some are doctors, and Jessica’s daddy is even on TV.  Today we’re going to talk about what you want to be when you grow up, and why.  Who wants to go first?”

“I do miss”

“Ok, Sophie, what do you want to be when you grow up and why?”

“Well miss, I want to be a nurse just like mammy because she helps sick people and they’re always so happy when she makes them better”

“What a very nice reason to want to be a nurse.  It’s a tough job, but a very important one.  I bet you’ll make a great nurse”

“Thanks miss”

“Ok, who wants to go next?”

“I’ll go miss”

“Ok Kevin, what do you want to be when you grow up and why?”

“I want to be a lorry driver like my da because he gets to travel all over the world and see great places and meet interesting people”

“That’s a tough job too, but it would be a great way to see the world, and the world will always need lorry drivers.  This is going really well class, who’s next?”

“I’d like to be an actor miss”

“Well Maxi, why don’t you tell us why?”

“You can pretend to be anyone else and make people laugh or cry.  You escape from your own self and take your audience with you” (A bit much for a 9 year old, but it was a quote from a Michael Parkinson interview that stuck with me)

“I suppose being paid a lot of money to be in films would be nice too, and all the famous people”

“I don’t mind about that, I just like pretending”

“Well, I bet you’ll make a great actor Maxi”

Fast forward to college and I’m in a sound engineering course.  I’ve just found out that all of the students from the year before passed with flying colours and none of them have a job even remotely related to sound or music.  Our tutor doesn’t seem to understand why I’m a little upset about this.

“A qualification doesn’t guarantee a job.  I ended up teaching because I was sick of working with crappy bands in temple bar for a quid an hour.  Do your exams because you’re nearly finished anyway, but then go and do something else.  You were in that play, weren’t you?  I know someone in an arts college”

“Fuck it.  I’ll go and do some amateur pantomimes and a couple of dodgy variety shows, then when I lose my passion for it, I’ll end up as stage crew in a community centre somewhere.  After a couple of years working my way around stage, lighting and set building, I might try to direct.  But it’ll go nowhere, because who really cares about what amateur group is doing Grease this year.  I’ll try to make a short film and submit it to small film festivals, but I won’t even get a courtesy reply.  Then while sobbing into a bottomless glass of whiskey, I’ll answer an ad looking for video camera operator for a student film.  One night at a cast party, the lead female will fellate the director.  Partly for a bet and partly to get more scenes and her name above the title.  I’ll film it for the laugh and stick it up on Youporn.com.  With a 5 star rating in a matter of hours, I’ll realise that I have a flair for pointing a camera at people fucking for money.  Following years of smut pandering I’ll die alone face down in my pool while my ladyboy house maid raids my safe”

“Alright, well good luck in the exams”

Present day and an email lands in my inbox asking if I’ve ever directed porn or thought about doing it.  Fact.

Since that little rant at my tutor was more accurate than a Stephen Hawking long division sum, all I can keep wondering is this:

Why didn’t I at least try and guess the lotto numbers a few times?

There are seven days in a week, not 8 as you believe.  The standard weekly calendar does not go like this: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Yesterday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Yesterday is not a day.  Stop telling people you’re going to the zoo yesterday, it makes you look special, or like a time traveller.  You are neither.

That time when you kissed your second cousin on the way to the shops when you were 8 wasn’t wrong.  But stop thinking about it, it’ll never happen again.  No matter how much you hope.

Throwing up all over yourself at your first junior disco will only build character.

Ask Emma from next door out, she thinks you’re cute.

The only person who has an issue with your weight is you.  Realise that now and you’ll be a much happier person.

That time you saw the hot woman from next door’s boobs was awesome.  Thank you for being in the right place at the right time.

Karl was your one true friend.  When you move away, keep in contact or you’ll always be wondering what he’s up to.  And you’ll miss him.

You want to kiss Stephanie, and she wants to kiss you to, trust me on this.  Also trust me that you must wait for your cold to pass to avoid sneezing into her open mouth.  She’ll still be there when you’re better and you won’t have to avoid her after.

Do not shoplift that Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Avoid going out with the girl in your 6th year class who has two babies.  The eldest will call you Daddy within an hour of meeting you.

Do not take the first job you get when you leave school.  You’ll look back 15 years later at the career you never chose and wonder what the fuck you were thinking.

You’ll one day be invited to a party by a girl you adore, but are too terrified to ask out.  You’ll spend hours talking to her and she’ll be waiting for you to make your move.  DO NOT leave without her.  DO NOT leave her at that party, because you’ll have missed your chance.

Dump the girl who riverdances her way through every house party you attend.  In fact, when she riverdances her way up to you in that club, it’s the drink that makes you think she’s quirky.  She’s a freak.

Stop worrying about what people think, they don’t care what you think.

Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping.

Don’t let that middle aged man move into your spare room.  He’s a swinger who likes older women, and you.  You can find someone else to share rent that won’t make you feel violated.

All in all, whether you choose to take this advice or not is up to you.  It doesn’t matter, you turn out fine.

You’ve still got a small cock though.

We watched a DVD the other night.

It’s about a girl who discovers she has teeth in her vagina.  Now we’ll get the childish and crude joke about that being one vicious cunt out of the way and move on.

It’s called “Teeth”.

Basically a girl who tours schools promoting purity and fighting your sexual urges discovers that her vagina is much different to the ones that other girls have.  She suffers from the age old condition of “Vagina Dentata”.  Don’t you hate it when that happens?

The film is a couple of years old and I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to see it, but it’s giving me a whole different outlook.

If I ever do some work experience in a gyno office, I won’t try to fit all four fingers into a virgin.

Nor will I piss a girl off mid coitus.

Why?

Her minge will chew you the fuck up.

SPOILER ALERT!  (That is, if you ever intend on purposely seeing this film)

Her boyfriend tries to have sex with her under a water fall, and he loses his winky.  You see the fallen one a minute later and nothing can prepare you.

Her gynaecologist loses his fingers while trying to wear her like a sock puppet.  He kind of had it coming though.

She gets revenge on another guy at the end of the film by seducing him and chomping his sausage off.  Then his dog eats it while he cries and screams on the bed.

All in all, I’ve seen worse films.  But I’ve never seen a film that made me appreciate every time I get to keep my weapon of ass destruction in a single piece.

***** ***** *****

Incidentally, for those few of you missing my usual daily updates, I’m still around.  I’m having a lot of fun over at my new venture – Boob.ie

Go and check me out, along with some other great writers.