Jodie Foster

You know when a famous woman comes out of the closet and we’re all like “Yeah, we never saw that coming”?

KD Lang was one.

Ellen DeGeneres was another.

Portia DeRossi was a bit of a shocker for me.  Maybe I just imagined her sitting in front of a webcam impaling herself on a Pringles tube while the entire cast of a local football team’s subs bench bukakke’d her to within an inch of her life, then accidentally release it on the net to save her career.  I couldn’t be the only one who has thought that at one point.

Beth Ditto is apparently a lesbian too.

I say apparently because apparently is a nice word that makes me sound like a lawyer in a crowded court room putting a case forward.  No case needed.  I wouldn’t put my cock near that even if she let me suck her toes, and judging from this picture, she can’t even get anyone to do that for her and she’s going through withdrawals.  No wonder she drinks from the furry cup.

Rosie O’Donnell was no surprise either.  She’s basically a walking penis with a hairdo.

You know who did surprise me?  Although in hindsight it probably shouldn’t have.  I’m not disappointed though as she strikes me as the domineering type who’d tie her latest bit of lady fluff to a dentist’s chair, cover her minge in peanut butter and let a hungry Alsatian clean her off while she pleasures herself with her victim’s stiletto.

Roll up roll up for the delish, if ever so slightly scary Jodie Foster:

This is how lesbians should look.  So if there are any lesbians reading this, get your hole off to Ann Summers and get kitted out like this, then introduce yourself.  Bring your strap on too.

She’s got the smouldering thing going on.  Maybe she’s my headmistress and she give me detention so I go to her office after school and find her on her desk.  Hair tussled and bare foot she orders me to take off my catholic school girl uniform and worship her tootsies with my inferior whore mouth.  And I would too.

Then after school I go home and my mammy will tell me that I have to go and babysit at the old Foster place.  It’s the twin sister of the headmistress and I never get to babysit.  Her sister has just told her what a filthy little twat tickler I am, so she waits for me, bare foot just like her sister.  Then I’ll have to bring her off just with the massive powers of my toe sucking abilities.  When I fail she’ll punish me by making me take the wide end of a coke bottle.  She’ll have to really work it in there though, the Bulmers pear pint bottle is still wedged in there from detention with her sister.  The rumours are true, that stuff does give you the shits, which only turns her on more.

Once I’ve cleaned myself up, and she put her cup in the dishwasher I went back to the bedroom to find her laid out on the bed.  She had that soft and tender look in her eye.  The kind of look that lets you know you’re in for some love making, not mindless and degrading dirty sanchezing.

I was wrong.

I don’t want to get into the sordid details but let’s just say that I can now scuba dive without an oxygen tank and no matter how much I blow my nose the smell of a fish monger’s apron still follows me.

While I was searching for pictures of the loverly Jodie, I came (literally) across this one.

How old is she there?  18?  15?  11?  7 1/2?

I don’t give a shit and you can call me a pervert all you want, because given the choice, you’d also knock one out to this picture.

Either that or you can try and try to rustle up a batch of ball batter to a picture to how she looks now.  I reckon even if you could muster up an orgasm, a little flag with the word BANG! would pop out instead of anything resembling a manly sour load.

Ever peel an orange?

Ever peel an orange and then leave the peel on a radiator for a day or two on full blast then come back to it and try to wank to the crusty looking scab?  No?

Crack one out to this, and you can cross that one task off your to do list.

That picture that looks like a Gary Glitter wet dream is looking a lot more appealing now, isn’t it?