Uncle Maxi

This letter came into me through my weekly column in the Cavan Post.  I figured it needed to be aired here too, just in case there are more people reading with the same problem.

Dear Maxi,

I’m in a bit of a bind.  I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months now and whenever we’re “alone” together, he always wants me to go the whole way with him.  Even though I’m nearly 19 now I just don’t feel that I’m ready.  I mean, what about babies and herpes and the holy ghost?  He says that if I really loved him I’d do it, but I do love him.  I think that if he really loved me that he’d wait and respect my wishes.

How do I resolve this without losing him or hurting his feelings while at the same time not having to serve up my cherry delight?

Sincerely,

I can’t give my real name, because my mother reads and loves your site.

Dear Tease,

3 months?  You should be counting your lucky stars that you’re not my girlfriend, because I’d have dumped your uptight arse out long ago.  Either he’s got bollocks like grapefruits by now or he’s trying to cover up a life “style”.

This is not about showing your love for him, this is about showing you love certain parts of him.  Be honest.  Is it small?  Covered in warts?  Enough warts and nobbles to make it look like a Lion Bar?  If so, this is your only reason not to go for it.  Even then, once none of the nobbles are sprouting hair or oozing, you should be grand.  As for the holy ghost, the internet is full of free smut, why would he spy on your frigid hole?

If you’re worried about getting pregnant, unless you’re a 14 year old school drop out, you should have nothing to worry about.  Having said that you could always try contraception.  I’ve done some research and there are things called “condoms” which the man would wear.  I’ll be honest, they don’t sound like they’re for me, but if yer man is nobbly and leaky then it might be right down your street.  Now being from Cavan I presume you don’t want to have to spend any money on it.  There are alternatives.

Firstly, look down the side of the couch.  You’re sure to find an old crisp wrapper, why not get Mr Tayto and his spud gun involved in the action?  If that’s not tickling your fancy, you could try something else.

Jumping up and down after you’ve had a portion of curdled custard will ensure that you don’t get pregnant.  I always jump up and down after it and I’m still sprog free.  And don’t say that men can’t get up the duff because I’ve seen that documentary with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

If I were you I’d just get on with it before you get left all alone and have to grow old with a house full of cats.  I remember reading an agony column once and the woman had the same problem as you.  Know who she was?  Susan Boyle, that’s who.  She’s still a virgin now as well.  That’s what’s in store for you.

So here’s what I suggest – Just get it over with.  Make sure the football or something is on, because you’re not going to be much good on your first time and all, so he needs something to hold his attention.  If it lasts more than 4 minutes, he’s a freak so get out of there.  Call yourself a taxi, but do the courteous thing first and make him a sandwich.  Depending on how long the taxi takes, you could do the washing up too.

So that’s it.  No need to write back and thank me for my time and advice.  In thirty years time when your house is cat free, you can thank me then.  If all else fails, you could come over to my house and I’ll rid you of that pesky case of virginity, but send pictures first.  I’d rather do a virgin who chooses to be one and not one who’s just ugly as a pedo’s soul.

Sincerely,

Uncle Maxi.

P.S. That’s not the only thing yer ma loves about me.