Things not to say at the moment of penetration

Over the years, I’ve penetrated many a female.  I’ve also got a habit of not keeping my mouth in check when the glorious moment of penetration is upon us.  Being the ever generous person that I am, I’m going to share some such verbal gems so that you can store them in your memory banks and not use them to cock block yourself.

You’re welcome:

1.   Can you try and tighten up this time?

2.   No way, yer ma has the same mole!

3.   Jesus, you’re drier than a camel’s nuts in a sand storm.

4.   This is what a big boy does with it.

5.   Are you sure I’m the only one today?  It’s like an ice cream sandwich on a hot day down there.

6.   Is that left over chocolate sauce from earlier, or do you not wipe from front to back?

7.   Why does your face smell like cum?

8.   Sshh, you’ll wake your babysitter.

9.   Oh be quiet, this won’t burst your stitches.

10.   Don’t act shocked, I told you this would happen before you passed out.

11.   All I’m saying is that there’s no windows or doors open, so that draught has to be coming from somewhere.

12.   Am I in yet?  Pass my cigarettes and call yourself a taxi.

13.   Where you this uptight with your Uncle?

14.   Anyway, long story short I’m pretty sure I didn’t give her herpes.

15.   Christ, a 9 year old wouldn’t whinge this much.  Trust me.

16.   Surprise!

17.   Stay still, we don’t have to turn this rape into a murder.

18.   My ma says I do this really well.

19.   Moooooo!

20.   I love your saucy knickers, but you should get that thrush cleared up.