It’s been bugging me for a while

But I’ve finally figured out where they came from.

It’s quite simple really, all you have to do is think about it logically.  Imagine a person who used to be somewhat of a celebrity.  She’d spend her time haunting the halls of RTÉ going on whatever show wouldn’t be honest enough to tell her to fuck off.  She’d do the same with theatres across the land.  The poor people of the land would often wonder to themselves how they were lumped with this talentless, no redeeming features having pickled foreskin looking hack, it was a general wonderment in general really.  How could someone so unlikeable, yet so up their own balloon knot be everywhere and seem to benefit from the fruits of success she didn’t deserve?

Even when she wasn’t in some kind of God awful tripe on tv or stage, she’d be the “voice of the people” whenever Gerry Ryan or Joe Duffy had a few minutes to fill.  She’s a black hole sucking in all positive energy from around her.  I know, I’ve met her and witnessed her being interviewed for tv.  For a person doing a charity gig for a children’s hospital, all she wanted to do was talk about herself.  Classy chick.

If there’s a new show on somewhere that she’s blackmailed the producers into letting her in, the radio ads call her “hilarious” and “engaging”.  I just think it’d be hilarious to engage her in a game of cram the boot in a minge, but whatever.

She’s always around when you don’t want her and despite the odds, people who always seem to be anonymous, like the bitch.

It is of course Twink.  She also likes to be called Adele King, but she’ll be known by whatever you want once the cheque is big enough.

But I digress, I had a point in there somewhere.  It was while I was vomiting up my own rage while thinking about this living caricature that my mind wandered and I thought about someone else who has no talent.  Then the paradox hit me in the face like a swift back hander to a Twink stage school kid’s chops for missing a dance move – this other person who has no talent isn’t liked at all.  He has never worked professionally that I know of, but turns up to every single audition.  You’re a star.  X Factor.  Pop Idol.  Big Brother.  All stage and tv productions in between too.  He’s even been banned from some places who want to prevent him from coming back.  Why?

He has no talent, is up his own hole, looks like a pickled foreskin, has a mullet.  Why has he been rejected while that wicked witch of D4 still reigns supreme?  Fucked if I know.  As far as I can tell they’re list of like abilities reads identically.

Who is this man?

Brendan Kilkenny.

This fuckbuster of a sperm stain is laughable.  He’ll never get anywhere and has become a parody of himself so much that even if there was a biopic of his life being played, he still wouldn’t get a part.

So here we have two people of Irish “celebrity” that no sober person will admit to liking.  Why am I talking about them?  Because their evil knows no bounds.  They won’t stop until the world is infected.  They knew they couldn’t continue on their own separately, so they teamed up.

More to the point, he must have wanked into a turkey baster and sent it over to her to get freaky with.  He probably fondled his nethers while clutching a copy of Auditions Monthly and crying to himself in a fetal position, but he got the job done.  And she probably just laid back and thought of Derek Davis and how she could use this as an experience for her new show in the Gaiety.

Turns out she couldn’t conceive.  Couple of reasons, both of them being that not only is she a massive cunt, but she has a massive cunt.  That poor baby would need a harness and the attention seeking skills of David Blaine to stay up there.

It couldn’t be done.  Until one day, while degrading a waitress in Carluccio’s on Dawson Street for not knowing who she was, Twink spotted Louis Walsh.  He was there with his single ready meals in M&S bags and just grabbing a coffee, checking his phone every 7 seconds like an insecure teenager.  She approached him and hatched a plan.

Louis couldn’t believe what she was suggesting.  He hesitated, but then relented and said that he would incubate the Twink/Kilkenny globule in the massive void where his balls and principles used to be.

All was done and just like in a really bad B movie, only weeks later Louis went into labour and slopped out John and Edward all over Simon Cowell’s face.

The world was presented with the worst pair of talentless scrotes that ever had appeared on television.  They sang like Kilkenny and had the stage presence of a scared and threatened Twink stage school pupil.  They were a shambles, an embarrassment, and of course – Irish.

Twink and Brendan Kilkenny were proud.  Louis was a little ashamed, and at first didn’t want to go along with it, but after serious threats from Twink and sexual advances from Kilkenny, he promised to take them all the way.  Plus he remembered how he like little boys running around stages getting all sweaty and thinking he was the biz, brought back early memories of Boyzone*.

John and Edward.

Cunts.

They could only be the product of a science experiment gone wrong and each week they grow stronger and feed off our national embarrassment.  They are the bastard sons of Twink and Brendan Kilkenny.

If nothing else, that hair has to give it away.

They look like they’ve been at the center of a bukkake party in a wind tunnel.

Get the fuck you pair of vagoynas.

*Incidentally, following his initial refusal to take part in her plan, Twink threatened to take out a different member of Boyzone until he agreed.  He thought she was bluffing and BAM!  That’s one dead Stephen Gately.

Westlife had better be praying that these little two fuckers win, or one of them will be flying without wings.  Or hanging without a rope, whichever is funnier.