Production values

Now, this will come as a complete shock to none of you, but I once had a stint selling porn.  I’d buy DVD’s in bulk from the internet and sell through small ads in the local ads paper.  Buying in bulk from the internet means that from time to time not all your DVD’s will be what you want.  Among your copies of “All Anal Asians” and “Munting Midgets” will be the odd copy of a classic American sitcom.

Quite a novel way to make some pocket money.  That’s all it was really, pocket money.

Now you’d think that when you go about a venture such as selling hardcore pornography through the small ads that you’d be ready for the types of calls you’d get enquiring about your wares.

You’d be wrong.

I’m quite a filthy cunt, this is relevant to anyone who’s even glanced on this site can testify to that, but it’s all in the name of good old fashioned childish giggling.  The types of people who buy porn through the small ads however, are creepy.  Proper creepy.

You get people calling you asking what kinds of animal porn you have.  Some will ask you for hermaphrodite porn because that’s apparently very hard to get.  Sometimes you’ll even get a lady caller who will call saying that her heating is off and she needs some warming up from a man.  No shitting, they have all happened.

Some are weird though.

One guy called me from Tallaght in Dublin and asked me to deliver 12, count them, 12 four hour DVD’s.  That’s two days worth of porn.  Far be it for me to judge, I met him in the rear car park of a pub in his Toyota 4×4.  I got into the passenger seat and opened my sports bag containing my selection.

Now, there’s not much of a sales pitch you have to give when selling porn.  You pretty much just put it out there and let their fingers to the walking.

So we’re sitting there in his jeep looking over my bag of smut and he’s himming and hawing over what to have.  The conversation goes a little like this:

“Is that Asian?”

“Yup”

“You have one with lesbians in?”

“Yup”

“Asians that are lesbians?”

“Yup”

“Are the stories any good?”

“The what?”

“The stories”

“Um, I dunno”

“I like the stories”

“Nobody has ever asked me that before”

“Yeah, I like the stories”

“Well I’m sure they’re fine, I haven’t watched them all”

“I just like to put them on when the lads are over playing cards and we can laugh at the stories”

“That’s what you do when you watch porn?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just that most people…”

“Oh, yeah I know but the stories are gas.  I watch them for the job intended though too.”

“Right, well I doubt there’s much story to any of them really.  They’re mostly just compilations from popular movies over the years.  They just cut straight to the action.”

“I do love the stories, the lads are coming over tonight”

“Tell you what, take three Asian lesbian DVD’s off me and I’ll throw in a free Boxset of Cheers.”

“Done”

“And done”