Dear younger Maxi

There are seven days in a week, not 8 as you believe.  The standard weekly calendar does not go like this: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Yesterday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Yesterday is not a day.  Stop telling people you’re going to the zoo yesterday, it makes you look special, or like a time traveller.  You are neither.

That time when you kissed your second cousin on the way to the shops when you were 8 wasn’t wrong.  But stop thinking about it, it’ll never happen again.  No matter how much you hope.

Throwing up all over yourself at your first junior disco will only build character.

Ask Emma from next door out, she thinks you’re cute.

The only person who has an issue with your weight is you.  Realise that now and you’ll be a much happier person.

That time you saw the hot woman from next door’s boobs was awesome.  Thank you for being in the right place at the right time.

Karl was your one true friend.  When you move away, keep in contact or you’ll always be wondering what he’s up to.  And you’ll miss him.

You want to kiss Stephanie, and she wants to kiss you to, trust me on this.  Also trust me that you must wait for your cold to pass to avoid sneezing into her open mouth.  She’ll still be there when you’re better and you won’t have to avoid her after.

Do not shoplift that Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Avoid going out with the girl in your 6th year class who has two babies.  The eldest will call you Daddy within an hour of meeting you.

Do not take the first job you get when you leave school.  You’ll look back 15 years later at the career you never chose and wonder what the fuck you were thinking.

You’ll one day be invited to a party by a girl you adore, but are too terrified to ask out.  You’ll spend hours talking to her and she’ll be waiting for you to make your move.  DO NOT leave without her.  DO NOT leave her at that party, because you’ll have missed your chance.

Dump the girl who riverdances her way through every house party you attend.  In fact, when she riverdances her way up to you in that club, it’s the drink that makes you think she’s quirky.  She’s a freak.

Stop worrying about what people think, they don’t care what you think.

Don’t make promises you have no intention of keeping.

Don’t let that middle aged man move into your spare room.  He’s a swinger who likes older women, and you.  You can find someone else to share rent that won’t make you feel violated.

All in all, whether you choose to take this advice or not is up to you.  It doesn’t matter, you turn out fine.

You’ve still got a small cock though.