Evolution

There is a sea snail in the waters around Australia that has enough venom in its body to kill 15,000 people. Or one Madonna, cunt.

Daddy long legs have the worlds’ most poisonous venom, but no teeth or fangs to bite or administer the venom, so it’s like having a chocolate teapot.

There is a fish that has blades on its spine that are sharper than the finest engineered surgical scalpel, and there laced with, you guessed it, deadly poison.

I didn’t join a library and ingest useless information today I watched a doozy of a nature program.

Basically all the strange creatures of the world had to evolve to survive in their surroundings and the features I mentioned above are just a minute selection of what some of them have come up with to stop themselves becoming someone else’s dinner. This got me thinking, what would I evolve if I had the choice.

Yes, evolution takes millions of years, blah blah blah. But think about it. If you went to your next meeting in work and the conversation went a little like this, what would you do?:

“Good morning, everyone. It’s finally happened. We all worked hard to achieve our goal and there were times when we thought we may have to call it a day and shut the business down. But the hard work and negotiation skills of Bob and his team over at section G have secured us a contract that will not only keep us busy for the rest of our lives, but give whole new generations the opportunities that we never thought we would see in our life time.”

“You mean?”

“That’s right. We have secured the contract to over see all evolution for every species on the planet, both discovered and undiscovered. God signed the contract this morning.”

Applause and cheers from all but one.

“Hang on.”

“Yes Dave?”

“You mean that God – the one that many believe to be the creator of everything we see before us has reduced the phenomenon of evolution to a task that can be outsourced?”

“You got it, and over some stiff competition we won the contract.”

“Who was the competition?”

“Tom Cruise.”

“Tom Cruise?”

“Yeah, you know – Mission Impossible, Top Gun, Rain Man.”

“I know who Tom Cruise is, what would he want with evolution?”

“He was just acting as an agent for Scientology.”

“Right.”

“Yeah, it was touch and go for a while, but we persevered and won the contract.”

“I’m confused. We’re a logistics and transport company, what do we know about evolution?”

“Times are tough, Dave. We need to diversify if we’re to survive the impending recession. Besides ever since we lost the Pespi contract we have an empty warehouse to fill and it just so happens to be the correct size for an evolution lab.”

“None of this makes any sense. How did we, a logistics company, even find out that there was a contract for evolution up for tender?”

“Ebay.”

“What?”

“Yep, Bob was scrolling through trying to unload a container of Pepsi and he came across it.”

“God uses Ebay?”

“Every body does. He’s got a really good feedback rating.”

“Good for him.”

“And us. You see Dave, it’s opportunities like this that take companies on to be world leaders. We seized that opportunity.”

“I need to give my months notice.”

“Think about this Dave, you have the chance to mold the world here.”

“Make it two weeks.”

“Take two weeks to think about it, and let us know if you change your mind. If you still have one.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Right, I’m going back to my office.”

“Bye Dave. Wow, that was awkward. Anyway, lets press on. We need to make a list of the things we will make immediate changes on. So lets brain storm it. First of all, one of the conditions of the contract is that we make the changes that God was about to but never got around to. They are:

• All women to receive a third breast.
• In conjunction, all men will receive a third hand.
• All men with bodies like Brad Pitt and charm like George Clooney will automatically become disgusting to all women, who will instead favour balding, overweight dead beats with no prospects.
• Bono will have no back bone leaving him free to actually crawl up his own arse where he so obviously wants to remain forever.
• Fix Michael Jackson. That’s gonna be a team effort, people.
• Unless someone can come up with a use for the clitoris, it will be discontinued.
• The same will apply to feelings.

After that it’s pretty much up to us what we do. So lets open up the floor to suggestions before we break for lunch. Any ideas?”

“Me?”

“Yes Brian.”

“I’d like to suggest mind reading abilities.”

“Nice, we’re ahead of you on that one. Bob is looking into the legalities. Anyone else? Karl?”

“Yeah, I’d like to see invisible people.”

“Now, do you mean you want people to have the power to be invisible or you want the power to see people when they’re invisible?”

“Er, both?”

“Nice, although it might negate the need to be invisible if people have the power to see invisible people.”

“Right.”

“We’ll look into it. Anyone else? No? Ok, we’ll break for lunch and we can draw up some more ideas then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes Carol, what is it?”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Make it quick, we want lunch.”

“Well it’s just because all of the previous suggestions have no real moral bearing and the first two suggestions on the list are extremely sexist towards women. Why not balance things out a bit and evolve a part on men that women might want to see made bigger.”

“Egos?”

“No.”

“Brains?”

“No.”

“Cocks?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I mean yes, your cocks.”

“Carol, I think God got it pretty much on the button by giving men in power such as ourselves the perfect penis size of 4 inches. Am I right fellas?”

“YEAH!!”

“I mean we’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, we just want to make it rounder and wheelier.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Look, you go and arrange a lunch reservation for us and we’ll meet you there.”

“Whatever, I quit too.”

“Alright Carol, if that’s what you want.

She gone?

Alright change of agenda, we gotta make women with smaller vagina’s, or expectations.”

“Both?”

“That’s the kind of thinking I can get behind Bob, lets do lunch and get straight back to this later. Penises bigger than 4 inches. Ha! That’s not evolution, that’s witchcraft. And we’re never winning that contract back from Madonna.”

It could happen, and if it could what would you want to change in evolution?

With great power comes great responsibility, or the chance to fuck around. I forget which.