Google is the new rape

It really is.

If you look at a copy of Braveheart on Blu-ray that has been digitally remastered and rendered to keep with the times it will go a little like this:

“Ye wul go back ti England en un yer wai ye will stop by ev’ry house to apologise for a hunderd years of theft, murrder and Google”

True story.

So Google Earth was a great time wasting tool for everyone in between checking emails, bebo and doing actual work.  Then Facebook came along with Twitter closely behind it and we all got bored of trying to find our own houses.

It was a bit shit really.  Some people found top secret U.S. Government army bases and prototypes of fighter jets that were so classified your bollocks would fall off for even looking at one.

The whole invasion of Iraq could have been stopped with a competition on MySpace to ask time wasters to look for WMD’s in exchange for an extra 100 friends on their profile.  It’s not too late though, I bet if we look hard enough we’ll find Bin Laden hanging out the turbans on his washing line between caves.

Google have gotten into trouble over their service publishing 3D pictures of streets in the UK that shows in pretty good detail, the faces of the people on the street at the time the snaps were taken.  The trouble comes from people objecting to invasion of privacy.  I’ve no problem with that, you don’t know what you’ll be up to next time an undercover paparazzi from the Gods of the web come snapping.

I think most people got offended because of what they were up to when the pics were taken, or what they were wearing.  Maybe they were asking for it.

I’m going to be out on the balcony with my twig and berries tucked behind me singing “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan as I connect 9v batteries to each of my newly pierced nipples.

That’s the only way to beat them, give them shit that no one wants to see.  So it’s either me during my alone time or Twink blowing a goat.  Both are easy to catch.

So don’t bother worrying about privacy and wearing tin foil hats, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Here’s my prediction for the next 10 years:

*Google eventually rules the world and officially buys the deeds to the Internet

*Not content with images, they equip houseflies with tiny cameras and sound gear and track your every movement

*Knowing that the only safe place is our minds, I invent a device that allows us communicate telepathically

*The device gets funding through Dragon’s Den, I keep 70% of the company and it’s a huge success, selling billions

*I float the company for sale and a bidding war between the richest companies ensues

*Google, the ghost of Rupert Murdock and Gerry Ryan’s ego all compete for rights to my mind device

*After a lengthy court battle between Google and the unrelenting smugness of Gerry Ryan, Google snaps it.  Just

*Google now owns our thoughts

*Every time you think of something a Google ad slightly related to your train of thought appears

*Everytime I think of something I have to click through a disclaimer confirming I am over 18

*Google makes gazillions through ad revenue on your thoughts

*Despite having a huge click through ratio on your ad campaign, you make roughly €20.87 after about 52 years of having your ads on other people’s thoughts

*Life still sucks

The term “Googled” is soon to take on a very different meaning.

If you ever get “Googled” in the future, remember not to shower as you may wash away valuable forensic clues and fresh DNA samples.  Report it to the authorities.  They’ll probably be owned by Google by then, but give it a bash.

And always remember, it wasn’t your fault.  No matter what you were wearing.