Why? Because they can

I remember hearing that if a man got a rib removed that he would could never leave the house orally pleasure himself.

This was backed up by a film I once saw that involved a man who must have had such a procedure carried out as he was pretty much going to town on himself. That and the fact that he would have made the average donkey self conscious. He was doubled up like the victim of a yoga accident in a pretzel makers training academy, but he was enjoying it so much that nothing around him seemed to distract him. Especially the naked slutty women who would have been happy to give his spine a rest and take over.

Only one thing ran through my mind as I watched that film:

“That man’s dog now has nothing to be smug about”

Dog’s can lick themselves whenever they want to and there’s no denying it – if you could, you would.

So I set about seeing what I could do to see if I could make a dog jealous and have a rib removed, but there were too many factors in the way:

1. The expense – VHI don’t cover it, I asked
2. The practicality – In order for it to work to my advantage properly, I would end up with no ribs left at all.
3. I have a small cock, in case you didn’t get that!
4. I’m not one of those people who feels guilty or ashamed when I whack one out, but how would I feel if I could deep throat myself?
5. Not as issue – see point 3.

So what then? I know, I could confuse a dog. Jealousy is for the weak and I was tired of being weak. I know that every time a dog lick’s himself he is laughing at me – not any more! Instead of me trying to lick my own bollocks, I could lick his. At least he’d think twice about licking them in front of me, which would take the feeling of jealousy and weakness away from me. It’s like Werther’s Original, you can’t eat one without thinking about the creepy old man who just uses them to get his fingers sticky. Ahem.

So the dog wouldn’t think about nibbling his nuts if he thought I wanted to as well, now would he?

I needed a dog.

None of the neighbours have a dog and the vets a few doors down is getting suspicious of me offering to work a shift as a volunteer. Maybe I should ask without wearing a bib and eying up the puppies in for worm tablets.

I was at a loose end, I didn’t know what to do. Then it happened.

K8 sent me my very own pair of mutt’s nuts.

Now I don’t have to risk “silly” surgery and huge debt, nor do I have to worry about the DSPCA knocking on my door accusing me of fiddling with Fido.

Wait – she’s censored the nuts, and the dog has that all familiar smug grin.

I’m going back to the vets.

At least no one knows about my small cock.