Lily Allen

Last week it was Portia De Rossi.  Granted I had just watched the complete DVD boxset of Arrested Development from start to finish and there was an episode where she obviously had no bra on and you know how those crazy Americans love their air conditioning, but that wasn’t the only reason.

Nice.

This week may just divide the opinion.

It’s going to have to be Lily Allen.

Look at that.

Yes she’s a loud mouthed daughter of a loud mouth and she bad mouths everyone else in the press to take attention away from the fact that she’s one of the chaviest wenches out there, but look at that.

Is she really common as muck, or posh as fuck?

Let’s look at the evidence.

She’s the daughter of someone who is quite well off from his career, whatever it is that he does.  Chances are she went to a fee paying school and never had to want for anything.  This coupled with the self affirming nurturing that she surely got from her obviously confident Father means that she has the potential to be really spoiled.

All of this and critical and popular acclaim as an artist might have given her the notion that she can do what ever she wants and get away with it.

So yes, she may well be posh with the attitude of a chav on an ASBO tour, but this just kind of makes her filthy.

Oh and she has gone on record saying that she loves fat and balding men.  Boing!

You know those girls you see in the shops and/or street in their pyjamas?  That’s her.  Only she’d be in M&S buying up fois gras in her slippers and Juicy tracksuit that looks like it’s made out of towelling material.

Maybe she doesn’t wear slippers, maybe she wears flip flops and shows off her kinky toes in all their chavvy glory.  Then she’ll buy a jar of goose fat, not to cook with, but to smear all over herself in the bath tub while she flicks her bean thinking about fat and balding men.

She warms the jar of goose fat in the warm water of the bath and drips it over herself like she’s at a fat and balding man bukkake party.  I don’t know why she’d think fat and balding man jizz tasted or smelled like goose fat, but the consistency must be similar.

She won’t get that far though, because the jar of goose fat will be too high on the supermarket shelf to reach.  But bless her cotton socks, she’ll be reaching with all her might.  I, the humble shelf stacker will see her and she’ll give me the eye that means “Do it, I want you to”.

So I will.

I’ll leap across the sauce and soup aisle drop to my knees and whip those Juicy trackie bottoms down.  She’ll let out a little “Oi” but she won’t mean it.  She’ll still be trying to reach for the jar but I’ll have spread those round cheeks of hers and be rimming her till I hit her wisdom teeth.

Then just as she feels she has to clear her throat, I’ll unload my manly offering on her chavvy kinky toes and put her mind at rest.  Yes, fat and balding man jizz does have the consistency of goose fat.

That’s why she’s wank of the week.

That, and she can do this:

If I ever see her in a supermarket looking for goose fat, she’s in trouble.