I love free and cheap stuff as much as the next person, let me just get that straight at the start. Having said that I also have a sense of shame believe it or not, I do. The lengths that people will go to for free stuff actually embarrasses me on their behalf.
Get your car serviced when you’re supposed to? Probably not. I do, because I have a fear of being stranded somewhere in the middle of the night and being left at the mercy of my insurance company and whatever yahoo they send out with a tow truck. At least if it’s serviced there’s less chance of something going wrong. Or so I’ve heard.
But when ever I go to a garage to get a quote of a service, I ask what’s done, how much it’ll be and how long it’ll take. That’s all the info I need.
I’ve never gone into a garage and had a conversation like this:
“Howya, looking to book my car in for a service”
“Grand”
“It’s a ’04 Almera, here’s the reg and mileage and everything else you need”
“Grand”
“So, what do you do in a service?”
“Oh the usual, change the things that need to be changed like fluids, filters, spark plugs, bulbs. Then we’ll check the clutch, timing belt, tyres and make recommendations if something needs to be replaced that would cause more cost.”
“Great, I’ve a budget of about €75″
“Sorry?”
“I was thinking of just spending €75. The garage down the road will do it for €75″
“You don’t want to get a service done and only be charged €75, they won’t put all the neccessary work into it”
“Right. Well I want the spark plugs changed, but I don’t want to pay for them”
“Er”
“And I need new wipers, but I’m not paying for something you already have lying around the garage, so I’ll take them for free as well”
“But”
“And I’ve a few bulbs out, but there’s no way I’m paying for them – the garage down the road doesn’t charge for bulbs”
“Hang on, let me get this straight. You want a FULL service with free bulbs, plugs and wipers for €75?”
“Well if you want the business you have to listen to the market”
“Get the fuck off my property before I get my gun”
You wouldn’t do it either, would you?
Nor would you go to collect your car and then have a shit fit when you see that VAT is added to the bottom of the invoice because you “Weren’t told about that on the phone”, would you?
No you wouldn’t. Whatever about negotiations, you wouldn’t take the piss.
Behold a conversation I had last week in work.
“Hello *hotel*, Maxi speaking”
“Yes, I have a contract here for my wedding booking next year but I won’t be handing it over with my deposit cheque until I get some details clarified”
“Righto, shoot”
“You say that the tea/coffee, finger food and punch reception is charged per head?”
“That’s correct”
“Yeah, we want that free”
“Remind me how many people your wedding is for?”
“200″
“Right, we can’t offer that complimentary”
“The other hotel does”
“Ok”
“We’ll get back to that. I want you to drop your prices on everything in the bar for my guests”
“You want us to change every price we have for your wedding day?”
“Correct”
“We can’t do that either”
“We’ll circle back to that. We don’t like the draught beer you have on offer, so we’d like you to open an account with a different supplier, get the beer in at no cost to us”
“Have you any idea of the logisitcs and cost of setting up accounts and plumbing in a new draught system?”
“No, but that’s not my problem, it’s yours”
“Right, anything else?”
“Our wedding cake”
“Ok?”
“Can your chef provide a wedding cake?”
“It’s not something we usually do, but I’m sure if you speak to him he’ll be more than happy to see what he can do”
“Great, but we’re not paying for it”
“So, just so that I have it right. You have your date provisionally booked for next year for 200 people. You want free reception refreshments, cheaper bar prices, a whole different line of draught beers and a free wedding cake?”
“Correct. Now if this is going to be a problem, I’ll book it with the other hotel”
“Which hotel is the other one?”
” *names hotel* and they said they’d give us all of that free of charge.”
“Right, well we have their packages on file, just like they have ours. The package they offer that on is twice the price of the package you’ve chosen with us.”
“And?”
“It’s not free at all, you’re paying for everything. Now we could possibly talk about a discounted room rate for your guests on the night? We could supply complimentary flowers and chair covers as our gift to you”
“Not good enough”
“Well if you were concerned about the price of our wine you could supply your own and we could look at waiving the corkage charge”
“Still not good enough”
“I see, well you have a think about it and get back to me when you’ve made a choice.”
“So you obviously don’t want our wedding in your hotel?”
Fuck, she’s on to me.
“We’d love to host your wedding here, but the requests you’ve made are a little unrealistic on your package”
“Fine, I’ll be in touch”
And just like that, she was gone. She had one day left before her provisional booking ran out and she called back two days later. I told her the date was booked and paid for by another bride to be. It wasn’t, but if this is the kind of cunt she was going to be before handing over a single penny in deposit, what was she going to be like on the day?
I’ll tell you what, a mega cunt.
Here’s a word of advice to anyone booking any kind of function – yes you can negotiate, but if you take the piss, you won’t get what you’re looking for. In fact you’ll be lucky to be let in the door of the place.
Why? You’re more hassle and cost than you’re worth.
Sorry princess, you’re big day will have to be somewhere else, but do let us know which hotel you do get. I want to drive up and give my deepest sympathies because you’ll probably demand that the staff work for free and that the time of sunset be changed to best suit your arrival for the first dance.
I use the word cunt a bit on this blog, but I think it best describes cunts like this.
Cunts.
